Struggle
by SleeplessStalker
Summary: It's strange how your life can change so much over an entire day.How much can happen in those few hours,how everything can go from a negative to a positive so fast.But sometimes the journey to the positive can be a Struggle.AU Warning!Selfharm ,Angst,Yaoi
1. Jan,14,2012 Dooms Day

What? I wanted to write a EriSol fic that's all.

Homestuck belongs to that sexy Hussie ass!

I stare at the desk litered with white documents, all with different writing and sizes ,some blank ,some littered with words, but those papers, those cod dammned papers ,well..they held my fate.

I felt a nervous cold sweat creeping antagonizingly upon me and i began to fidget and mess with the thin,raggy purple and blue scarf that hung everso dareingly around my neck. A strong soothing voice broke the tension filled silence like a baseball bat to a glass vase.

" I'm sorry ,but the tumor has spread, you need the surgey or you will die." I stared at my Human docter, Strider tall,blonde, strong , very handsome and with a pair of cherry eyes that could beat out a flame any day , he is about his mid-twentys and he is very kind but can be an ass sometimes. Just told me that I was going to die... I could feel a strong sence of fear and relief wash over my tembling body. Wait when had I started to tremble? I stared blankly as the cold sweat I had turned into a white hot feeling, then numbness.

"Bro you knoww I cant pay for one. I knoww you realize my ahem situation." I adressed him by his first name, my voice soft shakey but it seemed to be loud enough to be heard a thousand miles away.

It was true he did know my situation , he knew it very well to . My little 'situation' was the only reason i was seeing a human docter insted of one of the better trained , suitted for trolls docters. I jumped as I felt a large warm hand on my shoulder. When had Bro moved? It slowly came to me why I started to not notice or remeber these little things it was because of this damned thing in my head.

" I know, i really wish there was something I could do for you but I've got to take care of Dave and you know how I feel about _that_. I'm sorry man." I could here the softening pity in his voice and I could tell he was looking at me with sorrowful cherry eyes. I shrugged off the shoulder and shook my head lightly. He was also right about that too, I did know all to well after having Bro as my Docter for all these years, how much he cared for Dave.

"So..howw long do I havve?" I felt my speech impediment slip through my teeth like hot venom on my tongue, running a hand through my black and purple hair I sighed, My violet eyes began scanning the room looking for anything to keep my mind off of the next few words that where about to come out of the young docters lips.

"I'd give you till about next August give of take a few weeks, we would need to run more tests to determine the exact date." His voice was strained like he had been running a mile insted of speaking a few words. I gave out a shakey laugh trying to ease the ever growing tension in the room. It was scary, oh no it was beyond scary it was terrifying but , it was also a sign of relief . I wouldnt have to do it , no this thing would do it for me, God had put me through so much and knew I wanted to soon be taken out of this misery and he didn't want me to go to hell like one who had taken there own life was suppost to,no he was going to take me out, not me and he was going to do it the only way he knew how. No i would die by his hand and not mine.

" No more tests. I'm done wwith them " I snarl out quitely , I was going to die anyways why the hell would i want more tests? I knew all I needed to know. I was going to die end of story there was no way to help me by running more tests. I didnt want to prolong my misery more than I already had to. Hell I wanted to die in all honestly and get all this shit done and over with.

"Then... Then at least let me help ease you for a little while, you know ironicly." I watched quitely as he glided acrossed the room and grabbed,...what was that? Was that a-? Oh God no. No , No,No,No. My head reeled and I began to panic .

I quickly pulled my sleeves down , a new found hot fear hit me like a ton of bricks. No it wasnt the needle I was scared of, oh no I had no problems with needles at all I was well used to them by now , no I was scared by what Bro might find under those sleeves. My latest hobbie had grown on me and became an addiction, I made sure the the last time I came here I was covered but now..

"No." I said loud and clear, standing up , I began backing away slowly. The room was a normal small medical room , me one one side Bro on the other.

I could hear my heart pounding in my ears and I could feel the adrenaline beginning to rush it's way through my veins. My only hope was to make a dash for it while bro was still in shock of my little out burst. I watched him set the needle and I could feel my feet beginning to move .

Five, four, three, two more steps and it's home free! On-! Bam, I was hit hard like a car had crashed into my side . There I was stunned I hadn't even seen him move...My mind came back to me in a blink as i felt the sleeve of my sweater being tugged upon. NO!, NO!, NO!, Get away! My mind screamed at me and I did just was it said I was kicking and fighting the best I could but I knew it was all over when I herd a horrified gasp and the sound of a needle hitting the floor. I felt a pair of strong arms embrace me but I just kinda stood there numb and dumbfound at what I should do next.

"Eridan, why?" A soft desprate voice called me back and I glanced up to see a pair of sad and worried cherry eyes gazing down on me through a pair of dark shades.

I lowered my head and eyes ashamed of what I have done. My lowered eyes trailed around the floor till they caught sight of the damaged art work I had done. Scars and deep cuts lined my arms, some making shapes like hearts with lines through them, others spelling out words like , **Ugly **, **Unwanted** or **Hated** and some where just there just to be there and make they're own little strange art work and patterns.

"I'm sorry" I mummered, my voice monotone because I really wasn't but was the only thing I could think of to say at the time.

The larger body led my frailer one out into a white hall then back to a privet office that was labled , he never let go ... not at least until I was secure in the larger warmer room.

I was firmly set down in a large leather chair. I watched the normally cool-in-whatever-situation docter become slightly paincked, the only way I knew was because I watched him pick up a creepy ass puppet labled 'Lil Cal' and start to hug it.

I felt guilt and shame wash over me in tidle waves, I was causing this poor man so much stress right now. I stared at my blue and purple pin striped pants and my black boots, not having enough courage to even look up at the man who I was causeing so much trauma too. I felt my heart sink as I hear a phone being dialed twice and a " Hi Rose" and then a "Hi Mom" not to long after the first phone call had ended. Bro had called Rose his younger sister and Dave's older sister in to counsle me and he called Roxy the School's drunken nurse to watch me during the day.

This means i was now on 24/7 watch. I no longer held any freedom to hurt myself as I wish or do as I want , No this means I would be watched and forced to act normal, fake being happy, forever misrable on the inside but ,hey as long as you couldn't tell on the outside it was ok. There was a long pregeant pause between us till the sound of the creaking chair broke it.

" Be back here by four, and don't even think about not showing up bacause I will call the police and have them track you down."Bro voice was as sharp and cold as a stone never had I heared him talk this way before, I must have scared the poor soul much more than I could have ever imagined.

Without a word I get up and leave the much warmer room. Closing the door quitely as if not to startle the fragile being that sit in there anymore, I stand there for a few moments listening as a soft mummering sob and the word Dave come through the door.

Oh great now Dave knew too, now he would never see the end of it or worse Dave would tell everyone and he would find out ...Oh no my life is over completely and udderly over. I began debating which is worse going to school and having my life being over brodcasted today or getting caught by the police and having that and this both being brodcasted tomarrow.

Sighing i choose the first one, I didn't need a criminal offence against me too , that would only mean more people talking and more people watching, and there was no way in hell I would want that . I'm already getting enough shit as is now.

I procratinated as long as I could but evenutaly i had to resentfully leave the safe confines of the building amd venter 14 blocks to the school in fucking 13 below degree weather while it was hailing . What fucking school stays open durring fucking 13 below weather...Oh right mine would condsidering the fact that the place should be renamed hell.

I thought angrly as I stomped through the sleet and slush and snow on the ground .Dammned January weather always haveing to be so fucking cold and snowy and shit god it's cold right now i would give anything for a coat because my swaeter and scarf where not cutting it. Shoving my hands deep in my pockets I let my inner rant continued to fuel me and my rage till I came across the 2 story, silver and white building that i had come to very well know as Satan's playground. Biting my cold lips I began to have second thoughts about going in there, turning around and looking back I mumbled to myself

" Do I really wwant to wwalk back home?" I shook my head knowing the answer all to well , Fuck you if you think i'm going to walk all the way back freezing my ass off. walking through those black doors i immeditly wish I had choosen other wise. Pulling my gray hands out of my pockets I stepped into the empty God that it was early and that no one was here to harrass me , gripping my horns slightly to bring some heat and feeling back into them I slowly walked twords my locker.

"36 , 5, 23" I muttered ,taking my time i entered the comp into locker 612 then, I spent about 10 minutes yanking on the peice of shit till it opened with a loud groan . Everything just had to fuck with me today didn't it? i roughly pulled out the books I needed for my classes then very delicatly I carefully pulled out my scketch pad.

There! A loud sound hit my webbed ears it sounded almost like someone arguing but who?Oh no! The sould came closer and closer twords me, I didnt think to move and it was too late . I was in there sight and they where in mine.

**=== Sup, You are Eridan Ampora, you are 7 1/2 sweeps old and have a varity of intrests that include: magic (though you know it's not real) , drawing , fish,bass and cutting. You where just told that you are going to die. Now you hear people comeing near.**

**===What will you do?**


	2. Jan,14,2012 Maybe not so Doomed?

Ok so Author note time!

So one of you lovies pointed out to me that there are things in here that where offencive such as the title ,forgeting a trigger warning and also refuring self harm as a hobby. I'm sorry everyone I didn't intend for it to offend anyone but I did fix what I could such as the title and the trigger. But about refuring the self harm as a hobby, it wasn't intended for it to seem cool or anything like that but more as a shameful thing . You see as a self harmer I would refur self harm as a hobby because I was far too ashamed to admit it even to myself, so I took that from my own experience and put it in this story. Self harm is not cool or emo or anything it is a very serious problem. I hope that you all can forgive me for my iggnorance and continue to enjoy the story.

Thank you all.

What will you do? What will you do? WHAT WILL YOU DO WAS THE BEST YOU COULD COME UP WITH? You're going to high-tail your ass out of there that's what your going to do! Well that's what you were going to do if you could move. Dammit body move! Run! Do something other than just stand there and look like a moron! Nope, too late.

The voices there where three of them. I knew these voices all too well too. And ohhh how I dreaded one of the owners of the voices. Oh how my body loved and loathed him and how my heart longged for one of him. It was like war, knowing that it wasn't heathly and that I should fear him, but yet I longged for his touch , attenion and the torcher he gave to me . How I hated and loved it all.

My gaze fell upon the the three, two I held less care for and the one that I would die for but, would I ever tell? No, fuck no, that would only lead me to a fate worse than the one already laid out for me.

The three "Royals" were argueing. That right "Royals", They were not real royalty they were just three siblings , who where popular , breath takingly beautiful, stupidly rich and oh did I forget to mention that they're the sons and daughter of a famous mobster. Oh I did my bad! So they pretty much ruled the school. Once they had they're sight set on ruining your life, you where fucked. Trust me I knew first hand and I have the brusies too prove it.

I spotted the "King" first, Gamzee Makara. He was the oldest and most laid back of the three, lean with dark curly hair and indigo eyes, well muscled and tall and I mean really tall , come on he had to be at least 6'4! He was always wearing creepy jugglo makeup that hid his light gray skin , a black shirt with the capricorn sign on it and pajamas with poka dots .His horns where tall to show his highness in blood but he acted like a normal guy not a snobby prick, like most highbloods did. Rumor had it he was always stroned and when he wasnt there was hell to pay.I never really believed the rumors cause to me he seemed to be a really cool ,laid back, nice guy.

Next I saw the "Princess", Cynia. The hyperest and smallest of the three, short about 5'4 ,with long dark curly hair like Gamzee , and a umm how do I put this a uhh 'full' figure if you umm know what I mean, purple/white eyes that showed her mixed blood and every so offten you could see them spark like her other bother's, light gray skin and two sets of horns showed how she was realated to the both of them. She is offten found wearing her trademark black anarchy shirt and shorts. From what I had seen she was very sweet to everyone and only wanted and was always smileing unless she really didn't like you or was really upset. By the looks of it right now I would say something had her really upset.

Lastly I saw the "Prince", Sollux Captor. The middle child , the heart throb of the three and possibley the coldest of the three. The most beautiful person I've ever met and also the cruelest. Tall about 5'8 only an inch tall than me, slightly muscular with short,messy hair that stuck out at the sides, dark gray skin that reflected off his icy blue and blood red eyes hidden behind a set of 3D glasses, two sets of horns one taller set than the other stuck out for the thick wires of the jet black hair upon his head. All I could say about my tormenter was that he was completey and udderly gorgeous. Sollux was smart and I mean really smart he was the only person I knew who could hack ,encode and fix a computer. He loved computers and took great joy in being around them. He also took great joy , much to my dispare , in tormenting me, beating me up and making my life as hard as possible.

I sighed as my gazed lingered upon him, not minding one bit that he was severly pissed and would probably take it out on me later. Ugh I sounded like some lovesick school girl. How disgusting of me. I frowned and ducked my head into my locker hopeing luck was on my side and they wouldn't notice me listening to they're screams ,corrupted yells and the soothing deep voiced "Bro" of Gamzee.

"You know how I feel about this Sollux! This isn't heathly! She isn't the one I see for you!" The little Princess screamed at her older brother face filled with rage, her voice high and angry but not sqeaky , her eyes narrowed and sparking white little shots of psionics.

"I don't care Thynia! I like her and she only did that once! Once you hear me, Once! And if the'th not the one for me then who ith? Huh ,Thynia, huh ya wanna tell me now insted of being a little bitch and keep me hangging! Ath the Mage of Doom I command you to tell me!" The older of the two roared back . A shiver went down my spine as the lispy voice first spoke and my mind went blank as he spoke of his powerful formal name.

As every human or troll is born into this world they are given a formal name at birth , if I remeber correctly Gamzee's is the Bard of Rage one of the highest names receivable and mine , well mine was a horribley choosen name one.

The Prince of Hope. Funny how irony works right? How it likes to walks right up to you and slap you in the face like a bitch ,then kick you in the nuts and then to top it all of skip away singging some church song like a saint.

" And as the Reaper of Life I'm just as high as you and you know it is forbiden forrr me to tell you anything about the future!" She fought back her voice beginning to weaken from her bothers insult and her r's slightly slurring , A small white tear trickled from her purpley white eyes.

I instently felt bad for her. She could see things no one else could but couldn't tell them, all she could do was help them and hope for the best.

Once she told everyone even though she can see most of it doesn't mean she can see all of it or set it in stone.

"You know that all I want is what's best for you Sollux, and you know once I saw her do that I couldn't stand her." The little Princesses soft, heartbroken voice broke through the impregnated silence that had settled in the hall.

In a heart beat I knew who they where talking about , Sol's girlfriend, My ex-bestfriend , the one person who I let in beyond my shell, to really know me and who I really am. The one and only person to ever backstab me.

Feferi Peixes.

Skinny like a stick , darting magenta eyes, long fuffy dark brown-black hair with two mid length horns sticking out of them and a smile that could kill the deadliest of beasts.

Feferi was my first friend when I came here , The first person I told about what happened to first person who had ever shown compassion for me. The first person who had gotten me to smile in months.

The first person I told about Sol.

When she found out she smiled her evil little smile and made a straight B-line for him. They got together, and not long after that the torture started. Though, I never did once blame Sollux for any of it. Who was I to him? Just some little geeky kid that his girlfriend asked him to beat up and harass. Ok that's a lie once I did ask my self why he did this to me then I told myself that it wasn't his fault ,he didn't it wasn't his fault it was _her_. _She_ was the one who had taken everything hopeful from me. It was _her_ who caused me to be so misrable and weak. I was all _her_ fault and that enraged me to no end. But did I ever act upon it, no. Why you may ask? Because what excuse would I have for doing that? Oh ya know she just ruined my life and all so yeah I had to go and destroy her...Bullshit.

"I know ya' do but ... I don't know I gueth I jutht enjoy feeling thith wanted."

A softer lispy voice broke my enrageing thoughts and I ducked my head further in my locker knowing there was a fearsom expression laced upon it. The dark blue locker was cold and helped to cool down the heating anger that had built up inside of me. To anyone else it would just look like I'm trying to get a book that was stuck in the back of my locker . Thank god, I didn't need to look anymore stupid or weird than I already did.

I caught the graceful sound of light foot steps which I could only guess to be Cynia moving over to where Sol was.

"I know Sollux but that isn't a foundation for a healthy realtionship , there has to be a jumbled mess of a rainbow of feelings inside and then , then there has to be that feeling of everything being just right when that person is near. There no other feeling like it Sollux." Her words where light and dreamy almost as if she where a small child telling a tale of enchantment and mystical things.

Mt stomche turnned, I had to go , I had to go now or I was going to be sick. I closed my locker softly hoping that my scilence wouldn't agknowlaged .

I guess I was hoping for too much.

The next thing I knew I was being slammed into a wall for the second time today. My glasses flew off with a small clatter and a small groan excaped my throat and the hand knotted in my shirt tighted with a low growl.

"Think thith ith funny , huh fith fathe. " I kept my eyes closed tightly as I was picked up and slammed into a wall again.

"Huh, you think it'th funny to go off and tell your little fith friendth, oh wait i forgot you don't have any friendth. huh, fith fathe, huh! look at me fith fathe!" I opened my eyes and looked down at his shoes , shaking my head profoucely, not even thinking of dareing to look into his face.

"In the fathe , fith dick!" My head was jerked upward and I whimpered, lowering my ear fins to show that I was submissive , as I have done so many times before. Slowly my violet eyes trailed up to meet his icy blue and red. Our gaze lingered for a moment on each others eyes, this was I think the first time he had ever seen mine without my glasses.

I watched curiosly as something flickered in his eyes, almost seemed as if ahem excuse the poor phraseing on this but it almost seemed as if sparks where flying between them.

All too soon was that fearsom gaze torn from mine as a small set of hands with a pair of glasses locked in them pushed him away and freed my from my hold. No don't go, not yet. My mind cried out but I remained frozen to my spot.

"Sollux! What the hell do you think you where doing you that poor boy?" The small halfblood girl had taken upon herself to save me from Sollux. Pushing him away and yelling at him while waggling a parental finger at him before turning to take care of me.

"Are you okay dear?" She asked me eyes filling with concern as she handed my my glasses ,careful not to touch me too much possibly in fear that I will make a run for it like a small frightened animal.

My eyes met creamy white purpley ones and I nodded. A smile graced her lips and she patted my hair like a mother would.

"What is your name hun?" I looked up at her curiously , why would she care what my name is? Why should I give two fucks if she knows my name or not?

"Eridan, Eridan Ampora it's nice to met you." I spoke for the first time my voice was shakey and crackly, it made me sound like a timid idiot. Then again who ever said I wasn't one? That never stopped a large grin from cracking her face in half.

"It's nice to meet you too Eri! I'm Cynia! but I really wish it was under better circumstances!" She chirped out happily while giving Sol , who was now standing behind her with Gamzee glareing at me, a small side glare.

I almost didn't notice he small hauntingly familar pet name she had given me.

"Uh yeah I kinda wish that too , and um please don't call me that. " I was taken aback abit by her chipperyness , it was stunning to see someone who could be so bright and happy to a complete stranger. It was well kind of scary how her happiness was infecous, because not long after her smiling at me I returned with a small smile back.

"Hey Eri ,can I get to know you better?" I stared stupidly at her. What? Why would she want to get to know me better? What was I to this completely weird ass halfblood?

She quickly gestgered to her eyes letting them spark and crackle across my face lightly with her own psionics. Oh. She was asking to see my future. I nodded stupidly ,not realizing what I was agreeing to untill she had already begun placeing her fingers to my temples. Her hands where warm ,hot almost and hey grew hotter as her white purple eyes became completey white and her psionics overtook them . I suddently remember what I had been told this morning and began to pull away fearful of what she might see but today wasn't my lucky day was it?

Her hands dropped to her sides, eyes pure white, sparking vividly her hands beginning to glow with white psionics and her expression was emotionless. I backed away getting ready to run until I was caught by something red and blue that I could only guess to be Sollux's psionics.

"Whoa looks like sis is in deep bro" The soft calming voice of Gamzee did nothing to help calm me and my squirming and wiggling of trying to get away from Sollux. Seeing that I could get away I stopped and lowered my head dreading what she had to say when she came back. I shot a stolen glance at Sollux ,he just stared at Cynia with a angry expression , eyes sparking bright blue and deep red.

I lowered my head again, stareing at the blue and white tile floor shamefully.I jumped at a high pitched strangled cry and then felt arms embrace me. I felt Sol's psionics lift of of me and my body slump against the warmer one holding me.

Huh?

"You precious baby! How could you keep that all to your self! Oh I'm not letting this happen! All is not set in stone!" She cried out obviously panicked. I sat there dumbfound . I was not expecting that. Slowly she rocked me back and forth cooing her last sentance over and over again and I looked up to see that had little white trickles running down her face. I wrapped my arms around her , hugging her back enjoying the small bit of comfort she offered, feeling what I guessed to be the feelings of morailangce form and the for sure feelings of guilt flood in.

"Why? Why would you keep something like that to yourself, you precious babbu? Don't you want people to care for you? Don't you want to go on?" She took my face in her hands and pressed her forehead to so many questions many of them I didn't want to answer because I knew the truth behind them.

"No,because no one cares an' wwhy should they? All I am is a punchin' bag to them wwhy wwould they care if I'd just dissapear ovver the summer? Hell evven the person I care for Likes to think of me as a punchin' bag." I shot a small look over to Sollux and let Cynia catch the hint , hell Feferi probably had already told him and that's why he hated me so much. She let her gaze follow mine all the way up to Sollux ,her eyes became so wide that they nearly popped out of her head and she crushed me in an another quick hug before pulling away. I sighed at the loss of warmth and comfort ,closeing my eyes I waited for her to entire student population hat had begun to flood throught the doors the things she had just found out.

"Well now you have someone who cares about you Eri , cause I do." she whispered quitely and she embraced me once again , milky purple tears falling from her eyes. Did ...did she understand? Was it possible for some stranger that I had only just met to honestly understand what had happend? Why did she shed tears for me? Was it possible for her to feel the same fear that I had been feeling ? I really don't know...

"August eighteenth" She she whispered in my ear as she began to quitely sobbing. I felt something warm and wet trickle down my cheek.I quickly did the mental math in my burred mind today was Janurary 14 and I had...had...I let out a shakey cry into her shoulder. It all hit me like a ton of bricks to the face . This was really happening it was no longer just some thing that I could brush off. I was really going to...to...die.

Me and Cynia sat in the hall for a few moments just sobbing and clinging to each other like it's all we had. Sollux and Gamzee glareing and scaring away anyone who would looks at us .

I distintly remeber the sounds of three phones snapping .

Later after all of our tears had been cried and our noses where wiped dry, we went to see Roxy to tell her we were all going home. Through her drunkiness he understood loud and clear what had went on and gave Bro a call to let him know that she thinks that I will be okay for today. That he and Rose should just check up on me tomarrow. I would be forever greatful to that woman.

I closed my eyes and and took Cynia's hand, feeling a little safer now knowing that someone was on my side and would protect me. I walked out those doors , with those three. Into a different place far from the world I once knew.

=== Your name is Eridan Ampora. You have offically 247 days to live. But it's ok now ,cause you've got a friend here with you to endure what would happen next and maybe even help you on the way a little.

=== What will you do now?

End todays log.

=== Be the FAILUR of an author.

What no.

=== BE THE FAILUR OF AUTHOR DAMMIT!

Ok. Ok. Jeeze someone did not have breakfast today didn't they ?

Oh my god.

Here are some more I'm sorries in advance.

I hate myself. I'm sorry lovely readers I realize that that was too long and Dammit , No one wants a OC. *slams head against desk many times* I hate my self soooo fucking much right now

But alas I needed a plot tool and you will soon see how they come into the story and are helpful. v.v

Also just a heads up this is a weird ass and I mean really weird as fuck AU

And I'm sorry about the shity way I write, I was alway taught to write like the person has no cluue who or what your talking about and I'll try to make my Charater less descriptive or something next time . but probably not...and I realize that my spelling is shit...BUT I'm working on it to make it better for you all~

Another thing Cynia is a love child created but Gamzee and Sollux's care takers (Ha you thought I was gonna let you have a spoiler didn't you? :3) THAY ARE NOT REALTED IN ANY OTHER FORM THAN CYNIA! Normally in troll breeding you would have two trolls of the same blood color (lIke Gamzee,Sollux and Eridan) but in rare cases when two trolls feel so flushed for each other but have different blood colors, they go and request that they have a halfblood. Halfbloods are extreamly rare and are usely only created by a care taker with a large amount of money. Offten they are prized and worshiped and offten have many admirers because they ALL hold a strange trait that makes people very attracted twords them.

LASTLY! I realize that I'm making Eridan slightly Masonistic in the beginning of the story ,but i felt like after a while it would have been a trait that he picked up from being harassed by the ones he loved so much...

Welp thats all I have to say really...

See ya'll soon!

*Ollies Outtie*

~ 3 Sleepless


	3. Jan,21,2012 Hobbies and Home

MEHHHH. I don't know ok , I was only planning on udating this every 2 weeks or so but ...I'm lazy and I've got school ( Best excuse ever!) So sorry if I'm late. OnO here is the next chappy for ya'll please don't eat me!

Homestuck belongs to that sexy Hussie ass!

Oh yeah almost forgot the AU will be explained at the bottem today yaaayyyyy!

Now this chapter is gonna be the one that needs the trigger warning like badly , I mean really, like completely and truely. I felt so depressed writing it...

Enjoy~

**Log 2.**

**=== Be the waking up seadweller.**

I crack my eyes open , blurry ,cloudy ,dirty ,dark green sopor slime blocking my vision. My head ached and my alarm buzzed in my ear. I pressed a cold hand to my face, today wasn't going to be a good day. Reaching out blindly for my glasses, I shivered at the coldness of the room, why was I surprised that it was cold now? It was always cold. Finally after bumping and tracing my fingers over everything on the small desk that sat beside my bed I found my lenses on my face I sat up and gasped at how actually cold it really was. I slammed my hand down now that I could see onto that damn annoying alarm clock shutting that thing up. Really oh my God did it really NEED to be that irratating? ...Probably. I glanced over to my window, squinting just so I could peek out of it. Snow, that's all I could really say about it , there was a white icey cold sheet of snow that covered the window of my small apartment.

A frown came across my face, no school was nice but not having a free meal wasn't. I shot a glance over at my empty tip jar, looks like I'm gonna be hungary today. I lifted my eyes up to trail around the dimly lit room, my eyes landed on the small wood buring stove in the middle of the room, the only damn thing here keeping me from freezing my ass off completely was slowly starting to dim out.

Reluctantly I crawled out of my recooprecoon and laid a sock clad foot on the floor. Shit,Shit! SHIT! It was cold, how the fuck had it gotten this fucking cold? I ran across the room bounceing from foot to foot. Shiiitt. I grabbed a log of wood and through it into the fire, gas was expessive and wood was cheep and easy to find. Standing over the litte metal box stove I let myself be warmed by the heat. Sighing I slaughtered back over to my coon. Oh I'm glad I could go back to sleep, my head was really killing me.

I was about to slide my glasses off my face and back on to the desk when something caught my eye, a picture frame, well not the picture fame it's self no, no the photograph inside the picture frame is what had caught my attention.

My mind chilled , my lungs began to close up on me making it hard to breath. Panic and anger took over me. It was painful, oh so very painful. I couldn't think of anything but of what I had done. I couldn't breath, no my lungs where still moving I was still breathing but it was so painful to just like the memories that little photo held.

I reached out and took the photo into my hands brushing the dirt off the glass with my thumb.I stared at it , I don't even remeber how long I could have possibly been standing there. I was just me , my memories and this damn photo.

A Lusus and a child , to be more specific a male seahorse lusus and and small violet blooded troll with a violet streak through his hair and a pair of glasses that where far to big and far too thick for his boy and the lusus where smiling like mad , like it was the best day ever for them , it was that boy's 6th wriggling day. I felt a lump rise in my throat and my eyes beginning to blurr again , this time not from the slime but from my own hot, flesh burning tears.

I missed him , I missed him so much. He left me way to soon .

I felt my head go from aching to a pounding pain and my lungs seemed to shrink even more making it almost impossible to breath. I was still to young , I had no clue how to handle this still, even after all this time. Yes life had gotten a little better lately, I began seeing rose to help me work through my issues, I apperently was suffering a case of major depression and post tramatic stress disorder but I think I'm far beyond getting help. And Cynia she was a great friend to have she talked to me every chance she got like we had been friends for years, I think she did it only because she felt bad for bullying had ceased for the moment, but I missed Sollux , he won't even glance my way now and it killed me a bit on the inside.

But what did it matter? What did it matter if there was no love? Wha tdid it matter if own father wasn't even there to tell you how proud he was about your good grades or how you made the lead role in your schools play? I closed my eyes as deep purple tears began to fall. What did it matter if the man you flush for didn't feel the same way? What did it matter if you where the cause of your gaurdians own death? What did it fucking matter if you where about to die too? WHAT DID IT FUCKING MATTER!

My eyes snapped open and I set the picture down, I let my hands drift up to my own arms and begun to dig my nails in, clawing tearing at the flesh that lay there, healing , torn , or already healed , just being torn off by my own fingers and nails.

It mattered everything.

"I'm so sorry seahorsedad" I hissed lowly , even to speak hurt , it felt like my voice box was being torn out of my throat. It was my fault , all my fault. If I hadn't been such a horrible little bitch of a child he would still be here. I felt like screaming , no matter how much it hurt, I could feel my nails tearing at me tearing into my skin, causing myself to bleed a violet liquid called my blood. That helped a little to relief me a little but I needed full release and fast. I reached for the small cabeint under the desk and serched around till I felt somthing hard and cold beneath my fingertips. A small thought passed through my head as I took the thin , sharp raser blade out , this thing was just like me ,hard and cold.

I walked over to the corner of the small room and grabbed my scarf , wrapping it tightly around my throat. This scarf , I just **had** to have even though it was three sizes too big for me . The one that was blue and purple and just perfect. The one my Father had gone back to get just for me. The very same one that had caused that car to crash into his on the way home from getting it, sealing his fate and affecting my life forever.

I handled the worn thing with delicatcy , it was his last gift to me and I planned on treasuring it. I slid down onto the floor, cold to but by now I didn't really feel it , no everything was starting to go numb and I didn't care anymore, all I knew was that I needed to feel again and that I knew how to do it.

What a terrible , disgusting , and addicting , hobby I had.

I lifted the blade to my arm and pressed the tip to the flesh of my forearm and slowly dragged the blade down then I began to curve and turn it creating a heart. I lifted the blade to see the small cut ,deep and a dark violet, I frowned and quickly sliced a line into it. I was not loved , everything I had loved ether hated me or left me, alone. I felt pure anger and disgust wash over me , it was my own fault all this had happened to me . I pressed the blade back to my skin and drug it across leaving a purple trail in the form of words.

**I'm sorry.**

I am disgusting. I am vile. I am a horrible , terrible , monsterous thing that should have never been born. I should have just died. I didn't deserve to live if he didn't

_"I should die."_

I gasped for air and let the blood run down my arms without a care, if I was lucky I would bleed out and have the world be done with me. I looked upon my hobby's work fixated on the vile liquid that now ran down my arms, the stuff that kept my crippled broken heart beating.

Slam! Not even the sound of my door being broken down broke my trance. I I barely knoticed I was being screamed at and shaken roughly for about a good five minutes by Cynia with Sollux just standing there. I didn't care.

"Eridan why!" She screamed harshly at me. I just brushed her off. I didn't even know why I did it anymore so how was I suppost to tell her? I looked up boredly at the two, at Cynia first she her expression was one of anger and fear, then at Sollux his was one of horror. I slowly regained feeling and let a flood of guilt wash over me, I had cause these two so much fear and grief, though it was Cynia who showed how much she worried, but she saw what was going to happen she saw all of this happen, she knew what she was getting into. But Sollux , he had no idea what he was getting into, he had no one to tell him what to expect. He had been pushed into this blindly and had no control over what's going on at all.

Poor Sollux.

"I'm sorry. I said softly as Cynia took me into her arms and Sollux walked away into the bathroom, most likely to get some bandages or throw up, probably both. A few moments later he returned to me a roll of banages in his hand , guess he had a stronger stoumche than I thought. Slowly he approched me and his sister, carefully he pried the wide eye'd girl away. I whimpered it was cold still and without Cynia's warmth it seemed to be freezing again. I looked to her she was covered in my purple blood , her white shirt forever stained because of me. He pulled my attenion away from her with a shcoking action , he had slid down the wall and sat there next to me , slowly stripping off his leather jacket so he wouldn't get that covered in blood too. I leaned closer to him feeling a sight brush of his warmth, he was so warm, much warmer than Cynia could ever be. He curled next to me and pushed me inbetween his legs my back to his chest, wrapping his arms around me. I felt my blood pusher give a little flutter. Had I passed out from blood loss? Was I really just sitting here inbetween Sollux's legs or was this a dream and I was acctually laying on the floor dying?

This had to be a dream , there was no way in hell that this was real. I was to caught up in my own little world to realize what was really happening when I felt a pain and something wrapping around my arm. Nope , nevermind this wasn't a dream hurt to much, FUCK. I see now why Sollux had set me inbetween his legs so his psiioniics could hold me still while his hands could work at wrapping the bandage around my arm tightly. I began fighting , and hissing at the pain, that sneaky bastard!

"Jethuth , Fuck ED hold thtill, thtop your damn thquirming." He growled at me in that weird agressive yet charming way of his. I thought about his words for a moment and debated whether I wanted to listen to them or not. Then I realized something and melted like butter, ceaseing all my wiggling. He had called me ED. He had given me a nickname , I was so happy I could cry. And I think I just might I whimpered again as he pulled me closer to him pressing my back to his chest firmly, as he pulled on the bandage tightly before he knotted it .

"Thooothhh good boy , thee all done now." He cooed at me almost mockingly, letting his psiioniic's drop. I lowered my earfins to press against my head in a defencive position at him before looking to Cynia , only lowering my ears halfway to show her that I was sorry. She looked at me eyes telling me that this was a step for both Solllux and I and it was a fantastic one at that . But also those soft sad white eyes said 'Eridan you can't do this your really going to hurt yourself and that scares me.' It stunned me at how much she would say without having to ever having to let a word spill form her lips. She gave me a hard thinking look and walked around my three room home, gasping at what she saw, waking back she held a dark looming aura.

"Eridan take anything that is of value to you. You have made it clear to me that I can not let you live alone , for the fact you might end up doing something like this again." The small girl started

" You are coming home with us."

I blinked.

Once.

Twice.

With lighting speed I broke out of Sollux's grip and was on the opposit side of the room ,away from them. No I was not leaving , they can't make me, I won't let them. This was my home and I wasn't going any where. I felt a animalistic instinct take over and I let out a deep preditorial growl, taking up a fighting position , I was ready to defend my home.

I let out a loud angry scream as I was lifted into the air by two sets of psiioniics. one white and the other blue and red, they where tag teaming me!

"I'm not goin' anyw-where!" I raged but they ignored me , bluh idiots think they know what could be best for me! I know what's best for me dammit!

'_Maybe they are right Eridan, maybe it is time to go.' _A little voice in the bakc of my head pestered me which ony made me scream again and claw and kick at the air till I broke down into hystarics , I knew they thought they where doing the right thing for me but,

"I don't w-wanna go!" I Hiccuped as the white psiioniic's ceased and the red and blue psiioniic's brought me gently over to them and into Sollux's arms, Cynia imeditly over to comfort me. I clutched onto Sollux's shirt for fear of being dropped but he just lifted me higher and bounced me a little as if I where a baby or a needly wriggler.

"Damn Ed-" There was that nickname again."- do you ever eat you are tho fucking thin it'th like crazy." Sollux remarked as he bounced me up higher amost throwing me into the air, as I clung onto him for dear life. Soon the bouncing stopped and I caught my beath.

"I eat w-when I can." I retorted, not the best excuse not the worst, I figured it was enough for them to leave me alone about it.I motioned for Sollux to let me down, NOW. He caught on quick and let me onto the floor, shivering as the balls of my feet hit the ground , I stood on my own.

"Don't think that your getting out of this that easy Eri." Cynia spoke up finally a sharp look in her eyes. Oh shit I really wasn't getting out of this one was I? I lowered my head and sulked over to the photo taking it into my hands , I knew when I had been defeated. The world was still a slight blurr so I slipped my glasses on, hearing Sollux snort at me. I walked over to my broken door and dug my boots out of the wreckage of what used to be my door, it was so much colder by the door , that wasn't surpising due to the fact the door was gone now...yeah. I threw them on with a shirt and a pair of simple black pants before looking to Sollux and Cynia with a look of 'lets get going now or I'm keeping my ass here'.

"Your only wearing that?" You can't be serious going to freeze your athh off." He stated bluntly before walking around to gather up his things.

"W-why yethh I am. Got a problem w-with it?" I mocked him crossing my arms as he came closer.

" Why yeth , yeth I do." He sprayed at me making me lear away trying to avoid the spit, He then dropped his leather jacket on top of me with a mumured "Here.".

I dug my way out of the heavy fabric and peeked at him through the hole your head went into. It was obviously waaayyyy to big for me, but I liked it anyways cause it smelled like Sollux, It FUCKING SMELLED like him, a sweet ,rough nutty sent I wondered if it was his natural scent or if it was the scent of the musk that he wore ,whatever it was it was heavenly and screamed Sollux.

"But it's yours." I said gripping the warm fabric closer to me ,not really wanting to give it back.

"Eri! Just takes Sollux's kindness and let go!" Cynia yipped as she pushed us out the door into the harsh snow giving nether of us a chance to fight about it.

**== Your name is Eridan Ampora and today is your first stumbling steps into a better future.**

**== Be the author.**

Nooo. I don't wanna~ I've been writing this bitch for 7 hours and it's not even spell checked ,now lemme take a nap.

**== Too bad.**

Fuck you.

**== Right back at ya, babe.**

Oh my God did I just-

Ok so LONGEST CHAPPY EVER JUST LET ME SLEEP NOW PLEASE!

Lol Nope.

Ok I promised you a discription of the Au I have desided and it's pretty much the same as our world where there is relgion and such, they will be refered to as they are in real life and such blah blah blah. Okay now onto the parenting thing and humans , YES HUMANS WILL BE INVOLVED IN THIS, so no flipping out on me peeps, But the heterospectrum still has a small affect on the trolls and the humans think of the trolls as lower than them(*cough* much like how we used to treat african americans *cough) . As for the history The rebellon and the cordesesion still both have happened. Now for the parenting thin I mentoned earlier , young trolls can be adopted or "chosen" while in the mother grub (Yup trolls still many produce that way) by a parent like Gamzee or Sollux, Or by a lusus like Eridan. Also like a mentoned earlier trolls can be "created" to a person of high wealths fitting like Cynia, where you can chose two people's blood (for Cynia's it was her older brothers) and send it into a lab where they put it in a test tube and grow the child out of some magic! :/ (I still haven't worked out all teh kinks yet so bluh). Now for the last one that has yet to be menton the trolls both male and feamale can now with many years of scientific study become impregnated.

If you have any more questions feel free to send them to my tumblr .com/blog/sleeplessstalkerchan

And lovies reveiws will be eatten for motovation for the next chappy hehe (a.k.a. the more reveiws the faster the chapters come out.)

Love ya'll!

...Can I sleep now please? OuO


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